apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
