He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
