Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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