remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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