There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
