Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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