I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
