i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
