Where did you get a picture of my penis
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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