Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
