Taylor Swift is so right about you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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