You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
