new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
