I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
