I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
