He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
