she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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