I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
