I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
