i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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