you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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