You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude i'm inner monologue high
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
