I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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