You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
