I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
