Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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