There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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