Well douche your snatch and let's go!
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
