Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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