oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
