I must be too annoying 4 u.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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