I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
