just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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