There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
