he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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