just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
