I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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