I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
