I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
