What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
