I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
