I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
