did you get engaged???
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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