I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
