Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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