I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
