I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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