He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
