i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
