i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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